March 24 was the last time I wrote here and I guess that is fine. I didn't feel like writing so I didn't. This isn't an apology but a statement of a fact.
It was a weird summer, I will tell you, but it's possible that in the long run I will describe it as a weird summer that was also great. For right now it is going to stay at weird. I don't know when summer "officially" starts, and what the fuck is officially anyways, but it definitely started in May. And so since May, I have been living differently. I will not get into details because that's not the point. But what I'm trying to say that if you read enough Chris Kraus and spend enough time in the universe of girls at night on Tumblr, while you're already spending the rest of your time completely analyzing every single detail of every single interaction in your life, you too can live this wonderful lifestyle of hyper-awareness, a complete abandonment of a sense of space and time and a cater to you(rself)-attitude where living on impulse takes you better places than considering and waiting and being patient.
(but doesn't it always?)
You know––you don't need drugs//you have your brain––sort of thing)
All I wanted was to have adventures and I did in more ways than I expected (but like, duh). Each new month totally changing direction. Everything was new and everything was an experiment and everything was weirdly cataloged in emails and too many gifs of the ocean.
[online/offline/online/offline/whatever it doesn't mean anything]
I reunited with a ghost and a million problems went away. There was open space in my mind that hadn't been available for years and I guess it had a lot more productive ways to fill itself up again. I was lighter. I went on a date (drinks-dinner-drinks) and scared the guy (in a really funny way tho) and felt it was a personal success of my new state of being.
And I mostly listened to the new Fiona record because duh, and yeah there were playlists every month but there's really only one song that truly was the song of the summer.
sinden : high demand
Because it is fucking bright just like in 4th of July when I ate hot dogs and hoola-hooped somewhere in Bushwick and felt really free and in control (feel the rain on your skin/the rest is still unwritten etc etc. whatever, it's not my fault that feeling awesome about life has been co-opted by Kotex) and it tastes like fucking jack and cokes and feels like the wind hitting my face in the backseat of a cab on the Manhattan Bridge (WAH!). There were a lot of those and some were funner than others but I was going for it. Plus I mean, we all wanna be in high demand you know? Like, all we want.
I feel sorry for my roommate that had to listen to it on repeat every morning for like a month. But I just wanted to swim in it at all possible times.
And now the summer is almost over and I don't even know what my fall vibez are. But tomorrow I am going to the beach. And maybe the day after. I'll think about my problems when I get there. If I ever get there.