valley of the dolls, glamorizing the telephone.
Things change so quickly and nothing is ever certain. I know we all know that, but we don't really know it until suddenly tomorrow is just a hazy memory.
What are the things that we do when we find that everything is becoming too much. Everything is a performance. If only just for yourself, for later, for when you are remembering. For when you are recounting. I can create a little story and then suddenly things have purpose.
I watched Valley of the Dolls over the last two days. I read the book many years ago, during the summer between sophomore and junior year of college, the first where I was truly on my own. I found it at a thriftstore and I think it's a pretty early edition but I don't know if those things matter with Valley of the Dolls. It was on my Netflix for a while and after looking at a billion pictures of Sharon Tate this week I decided to just go head and watch it. There is something so tempting about giving in and not caring sometimes, but I can really only do so much tourism in the self-destructing white females culture. I started watching Prozac Nation today. I hope they remake it but instead she loses while trying to write a blog post. Like maybe she can't find enough things that only kids of the 90's will know. But then also Lou Reed (RIP) is in the movie, and its just him and Christina Ricci getting psychedelic. Seemed like one of those things I would chalk up to coincidences but I just don't feel like getting into those now. I had to take a break though cause it got too.... eye-rolly. I loved Christina Ricci growing up so much, I mean, Now and Then was SO everything. I saw Gaby Hoffman a couple months ago and really did try to stop myself from fangirling. But mostly because she is so cool and I just wanna hang with her. I wouldn't even ask her about the movie.
I lost my hat at some point last week and decided I didn't need one and then on Tuesday night I swear my eardrums froze and now I am sick. I thought it was just allergies but it was a cold, I think. I feel better now.
Anyways, I had already decided that I needed a new hat, since last winter my hair was long and curly and now it's short and that requires a different kind of hat. Something not as floppy, something more fitted. Sometimes I wish I didn't think about things like this.
Last winter feels like so long ago, like maybe two or three lifetimes ago.
Not my hat.
I was really into this hat at American Apparel because it's kinda Prada-ish (well, you can't tell in the picture so just trust me) but it was too floppy. Then I found the right one but they were having trouble with their machines and were only taking cash. I am still without a hat.
I re-arranged my room today. Which means that I am telling myself I will put everything back in its place when I am done with it. It's such a nice way to live, you know? Like the beginning of a school year when you've got new notebooks and you tell yourself THIS TIME IT'S GOING TO BE DIFFERENT. But I don't get the beginning of a school year anymore and it's never different, so it doesn't really matter.
I want to believe things will be different.
So I threw away so many things and put so many others away in special boxes and it's just so fucking cleansing. CLEANSING. Not like a juice cleanse, I would never do those, but the kind where you've create the perfect environment for yourself. Letting go. Like that time George Michael exploded his own icons.
I don't think I have any icons to explode right now, if anything I am creating new ones. You ever play that signature game? Like when in magazines everyone talks about their "signature scent" or their "signature pearl earrings" and it sounds incredibly glamorous, even though it's really just like, being lazy. I can make this assertion because I am lazy, obviously. I gave up a signature scent a while ago, although honestly, smelling like whatever Tom Ford wants you to smell like is a great idea, and I will abide by that until the end of days. I also want to play the game Mindy and Lena play where they ask each other to describe the way they make their way to meet the person interviewing them for a big glossy interview. I guess it's not really a game, but I am making it into a game, anything can be a game, everything is a game. This whole, dress/be/whatever like the person you want to be and not the person you are maybe, although that can be dangerous.
Pink is like red but not quite.
I was doing blue mascara for the past two or three years but switched it out to pink eyeshadow a couple weeks ago. I can't do it anymore because it belongs to a time passed. There's no time for naivete anymore. It was a short signature. There are short signatures and long signatures.
Every three months something new starts and something new happens and you just have to run with it. But it's ok, we can still take selfies while mourning.